Perfection is Dumb and Boring

I made some mistakes... and I’ve moved on

This year, I was a lay cantor at my synagogue’s Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services. This is a new role for me, and honestly it was a little scary! I co-led with some of my best friends, but I often felt out of my league as we prepared together. 

I felt a huge responsibility to make sure that I did everything correctly, since these are major Jewish holidays. We usually have several hundred people in attendance, not to mention people on Zoom, or the fact that everything we do now lives in perpetuity on YouTube! 

In the end, I screwed up a few times. I might be able to name them all specifically for you, but I actually don't feel the need to catalog my mistakes just to make sure you know that I know what I did wrong. Being able to move on from those mistakes and not get caught up in them feels like tremendous progress for me. In the past I have been thrown off by screwing up and haven't been able to get my head back in the game. I have beaten myself up for my mistakes, shamed myself, and told myself I shouldn't try doing those things anymore, because I wasn’t good enough. I have shed a lot of tears over my inability to be perfect.

What a stupid waste of time and energy, right?

It feels pretty awesome to say that this year was different. I made mistakes, and I'm cool with them. I recognize that making mistakes means that I'm doing bigger and harder things. I'm proud of what I did well, and I'm even more proud that I didn't get tripped up when things didn't go perfectly. That mindset shift is the biggest sign of growth for me in this last year, and I can feel it giving me confidence to take risks in other parts of my life too.

Being anything other than perfect

I was a gymnast when I was younger. Being in a sport that is driven by the pursuit of perfection – the elusive perfect ten – was not good for me, and it has taken me years to reprogram my brain away from that type of thinking. I used to wear the badge of “perfectionist” with pride, even though it constantly made me unhappy with myself. As an adult, it makes me wonder: what does perfection even mean when we’re talking about putting ourselves out there in the messy world? 

There are so many other things I can strive to be that don’t include perfect -- including real, dynamic, inspiring, edgy, sweet, authentic, thoughtful, and so much more. When I strive to be perfect, I miss the opportunity to be more engaging and deeply human -- the very things I appreciate most about others. 

Limiting ourselves professionally

I see how perfectionistic thinking limits my clients in their search for what’s next in their careers. My clients who worry about doing things the “Right” way (yes, with a capital R!) are less likely to take risks than those who see making mistakes as part of the process of getting unstuck. For example, they are less likely to revise their resumes, less likely to reach out to people, less likely create professional social media profiles, and less likely to apply for jobs. No one is required to do any of these things (though they really do help!), but it’s notable that "fear of not being good enough" often keeps people from taking these helpful steps.

Conversely, clients who are willing to tolerate discomfort around making mistakes tend to make more progress more quickly. When they finish the program and are figuring out what they want to do next, they also seem happier with the choices they make. Overall, people seem to go easier on themselves when they adopt a willingness to try vs. thinking that they need to nail it on the first try.

Defying gravity

Some of you know that I recorded a cover of my favorite song, Defying Gravity, a few years ago. I’m only realizing this now, but the weight of perfectionism feels like the heaviness of gravity that kept me from fully exploring who I wanted to be in the world. Being able to defy it – to speak back to the years of perfectionist thoughts I hammered into myself until I literally choked on them – feels like one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Without the self-imposed burden of perfection, I realize that the world holds more options than I ever imagined.

And… I am still working on all of these things. I am not a perfect non-perfectionist. : ) Even when we can “cure” ourselves of perfectionism, it’s still a crappy experience to see the flaws in our work and not live up to our own ideal of how we’d like to be. Being a non-perfectionist doesn’t mean that you don't feel discomfort when your performance isn't what you wanted it to be. It's about that discomfort motivating you to try again instead of pulling you to hide in a ditch full of shame. The surest sign of growth is when we keep moving forward.

Taking a step forward

If you’re contemplating a professional shift and are looking to get out of your own head and expand your thinking, let’s chat. Use the link below to book a free 30-minute chat about where you’re stuck and where you might like to go.